Hehehe! Dìbò kó jẹ́ burger! Donald Trump has finally discovered the magic formula. Our son—his Nigerian son-in-law—must have whispered the secret into his ear.
Have you heard the latest? If Trump’s party wins the November midterm elections, every voter is promised $5,000.
Five thousand dollars!
This is no longer ordinary díbò kó ṣe bẹ́ẹ̀. This is Díbò Kó Gba Dollar—Pro Max!
Who says America has nothing to learn from Nigeria? In our country, democracy has long understood that the shortest route to the voter’s heart may not be through policy, principle or performance, but through the pocket. America has now upgraded the formula, denominated it in dollars and given it presidential packaging.
That is why it is important for your daughter to marry wisely. Great ideas can travel through marriage. Who knows? Perhaps the Nigerian in-law simply explained that elections need not be difficult: forget the long speeches, complicated manifestos and tedious debates—just calculate the number of voters and announce the price per head.
Why drop bombs and waste billions of dollars in Iran when there is a cheaper way to secure victory at home? Why invade Venezuela and capture its president? Why threaten Cuba, Canada and half the world when the Nigerian electoral handbook contains a simpler chapter?
Just promise the voters $5,000 each.
No war. No invasion. No casualties. No need for observers—except, perhaps, bank officials.
Trump wins. The voters win. Democracy receives an alert.
Now that President Trump has found the Nigerian magic wand, the world can finally rest easy. November is no longer merely an election; it is an empowerment programme.
Vote—and collect your own share of democracy!
N.B: Babafemi Ojudu is a Nigerian journalist. He is also a former Nigerian Senator. He represented the Ekiti Central constituency of Ekiti State at the Senate between 2011 and 2015.
