In my work representing immigrants and refugees in Canada, I have interacted with numerous young people and parents. These interactions have led me to conclude that if parents were asked to write scripts about their parenting experiences, the outcomes would be varied, reflecting both the joys and disappointments that come with raising children. The question arises: is the expense of time, finance, and emotional investment worth it?
Consider the situation of Ms. AV. I had called her at the request of her son, who was being held in jail on both criminal and immigration offenses, to see if she could bail him out. She listened to me and calmly responded, “No, Mr. JB, I am not interested. He is my only child, whom I raised well to the best of my ability as a single parent. I devoted my time and life to him, but once he became a teenager, he gave me nothing but grief. He joined bad gangs and has committed offenses repeatedly. I always bailed him out because I loved him and thought he would change. Sadly, he has not changed, and I am tired. I am better off without him and have come to the conclusion that I have no child. Goodbye, sir,” and then she hung up the phone.
On the other hand, there is the experience of Mr. TD, whose son studied in Canada and invited me to his graduation ceremony. “JB, this child has made me proud. He has stayed focused, calls us three times a week, freely sharing information about everything that is going on with him and asking after our welfare. He listens to advice and is very respectful of us. I give thanks to God for him,” Mr. TD shared with joy and pride.
Then there is Mrs. MN and her husband, who sent their daughter to Canada from country X to study. They paid all the school fees and living expenses but were too busy in their home country to offer emotional support. For four years, they never visited their daughter even though they had visas. They did not allow her to visit home either, claiming insecurity. They hardly called her, claiming they were busy working to raise money for her upkeep in Canada. Once the daughter graduated, she cut them off, feeling abandoned and unsupported despite their financial efforts.
Mr. LA sold everything he had after losing his wife and brought his two young children to Canada. He invested his time and money in them. After graduation, one moved to Japan and the other to the United States. Their wives were not open to their father living with them. LA is now old, ill, and without strong ties to his home country. He is unable to care for himself, living alone. His children are making arrangements for him to move into a nursing home, a lonely end despite his sacrifices.
BQ, a very successful businessman in country K, relocated his family to Canada while he stayed back in his country to earn money for their upkeep. One day, he got a call that his son was addicted to street drugs and had become schizophrenic. He has shuttled between his country and Canada ever since, trying to offer support to his son and the rest of the family, struggling with the heartbreak and stress of his son’s condition.
FP was happy that his brilliant son had relocated to Canada to study. Two years after the relocation, he could no longer afford the school fees, putting his son’s future in jeopardy. The son offered to return home, but FP declined. Frustrated, the child went into depression, cutting his parents off, leaving FP to grapple with guilt and sorrow.
WG, in contrast, is very grateful for his children, who are all in Canada. They have all done well. They call him and their mother regularly, taking care of their expenses in their old age. The children relate well together, making him often say to me, “JB, I am just lucky, and I am thankful especially because the children relate well with each other, which is not common nowadays.”
HJ cannot say the same. Her children are scattered all over the world while she lives alone in their home country as a widow. She is often lonely. They hardly call, citing being busy. Among themselves, her children don’t relate well. You would think they don’t share the same parents. On her 80th birthday, surrounded by the children of her cousins, church members, and neighbors with no child or grandchild present, she asked herself, “Was having these children and the huge emotional and financial investments worth it?”
Parenting is a journey filled with unpredictable highs and lows. The sacrifices made by parents can sometimes feel thankless, especially when their efforts do not seem to yield the desired outcomes. Yet, there are also moments of profound joy and pride when children grow up to be responsible, loving, and successful individuals.
For parents, it is essential to find balance and not measure their worth solely by their children’s actions. They must remember that they have done their best and that their value as parents extends beyond their children’s choices.
For children, it is important to appreciate the sacrifices their parents have made and to maintain a connection, regardless of where life takes them. Understanding and gratitude can go a long way in strengthening family bonds.
For those parents who never receive the rewards of having children or whose children do not bring them happiness, it is important to recognize that their efforts and love were not in vain. They have laid a foundation of care and nurturing that though it may not yield visible fruits, is still significant. This love, lessons, and growth experienced in the process of parenting are invaluable and contribute to the broader fabric of human experience.
In the end, the journey of raising children is indeed worth it. The rewards may not always be immediate or obvious, but they are real and deeply meaningful. Parents should be encouraged by the knowledge that they have laid a foundation, and children should strive to honor and build upon that foundation. Both the joys and the struggles of parenting add to the richness of life, making the journey worthwhile.
NB: Johnson Babalola, a Canada based lawyer, leadership consultant and corporate emcee, is a public affairs analyst.Â
