By Fred Chukwuelobe
The only criterion President Bola Ahmed Tinubu understands and uses in choosing people he appoints to positions is loyalty.
Once you’re loyal to him, even if you had abused him in the past or you were allegedly caught stealing, he’ll nominate you for appointment and the President of the Nigerian Senate Godswill Akpabio will ensure you take a bow and get confirmed.
If you answer questions from senators present – senators present because many don’t even bother attending such ‘rhetorical questions’ sessions – and you perform badly, it does not matter.
Akpabio will use a voice vote and he will hit the gavel according to plans. “The ayes have it!” Kpomkpom! Job done.
If a committee is assigned the task of screening you, that is even better and faster. We won’t see you being ‘grilled.’ We will only read that you have been cleared and later on the floor of the supposedly hallowed chambers of the senate, Akpabio will, once again, gavel it.
Before you appear before a select committee or the committee of the whole house, decisions must have been made and dinner served. All you need to do is only to go there so that the undiscerning world and gullible rest of us will think you have been screened.
The only way you won’t be confirmed is if they decide to give you ‘the Nasir el-Rufai treatment.’ In that case, you will appear before the senate, answer questions, and will not see your name on the confirmation list.
Then you will remember everything that you witnessed before that wasn’t right but which you decided not to talk about publicly because you were hoping on being gavelled and invited to the table.
I call your reaction after that ‘the el-Rufai brain reset.’ Once it happens, you will start ranting and telling us who will reelected and who won’t.
Suddenly, you’ll become a spokesperson of those who hate the man who denied you the invitation to come to the table and eat.
Many who hate the man who has treated you like an outcast will suddenly realise you’re ‘a man of honour’ who is now needed to challenge ‘our now common enemy.’
You want an appointment? Have you abused Tinubu before? ‘Unabuse’ him now.
Book an appointment to visit him, take pictures with him, tell the gullible us that he’s the best president Nigeria will ever have. Pronto! A new list and your name will be on it.
Please don’t abuse your tribesmen like Joe Igbokwe. That one will only fetch you an appointment to clean drainages, get a few housing allocations, and allow you the space to abuse your tribesmen more.
Don’t be a Joe Igbokwe. Instead, be a Reno Omokri or Daniel Bwala.
Don’t bother about shame. It only exists in the minds of those who are either hungry or incapable of prevaricating.
NB: Fred Chukwuelobe, was a Special Assistant to former Governor of Anambra, Chris Ngige on Media and Publicity.
