TY and I have been friends for many years. He is always a calm guy, and today was no different. We met at our usual local breakfast spot in the neighborhood, a tradition we have maintained once a month for the past ten years. Our conversations usually span a variety of topics, including finance, relationships, health, family, work, retirement plans, and business. Today, our discussion turned to our mutual and individual friends.
I asked him about his childhood friend in Nigeria named FC. TY responded calmly, “He doesn’t talk to me anymore.”
“What? Since when? What happened?” I asked, surprised given their close, though long-distance, relationship.
“It happened six months ago, but I decided not to disturb you with it. My wife and I discussed it and agreed that time would heal the situation,” TY explained.
“What happened, bro?” I asked anxiously.
“You know how close FC is to me. We went to high school together 30 years ago. He’s a good guy. I see him once a year whenever I travel back home. We talk often over the phone, and his wife occasionally talks to my wife, though they’re not particularly close. I’m not especially close to his children either,” TY began explaining.
“I know all this, my friend,” I said, eager to hear more.
“As you know, he’s doing okay financially but not super rich. He never asked me for financial assistance. Never. Great guy. A few months ago, he called me and said, ‘Your child is coming to Canada.’ At first, I didn’t understand him. He then explained that he was working on getting his 19-year-old son to come and study in Canada. I asked if he had the finances, and he responded, ‘Sebi, you are his father too; you cannot be there and not help him.’ I thought at first he was joking,” TY explained calmly.
“That would be my thought too,” I said.
“No, he wasn’t. He was serious. He said Nigeria’s education system was not good, and since I reside in Canada, I had a responsibility to help, not just with the school fees but also with accommodating his son. ‘What are friends for?’ he asked me. I took my time to explain that I couldn’t assist. I have my own financial responsibilities that I shoulder with my wife. We have a mortgage, car loans, tuition fees for our children, credit card bills, utility bills, and many more. Moreover, I informed him that we live in a three-bedroom condo shared with my wife and three teenage daughters. Should I ask my daughters to share their room with a young man I don’t know or ask them to move into one room while he takes another? I told him not to impose his burden on me under the pretense that his son is my son. If he couldn’t afford his child’s financial responsibility, he shouldn’t place it on me. I was not prepared to care for a young man whose behavior and character I did not know, putting him in the same house with my wife and daughters,” TY continued.
“He got angry, saying I wasn’t behaving like a true friend. He said he was disappointed in me and dropped the phone. I have tried reaching him many times since then, but he wouldn’t pick my calls. Mind you, I wasn’t calling to apologize because I said nothing wrong, but to see if he had reflected on our discussion and to appeal to him not to let this issue ruin our decades-long friendship. Having said that, I’ve let him be. Frankly, things cannot be the same between us again. I must be cautious around him, should we ever become friends again. I don’t want self-centered people too close to me,” TY said matter-of-factly.
“Hmmm. I hear you, bro. This is common among some of our people, who demand that others take on their responsibilities without considering that those individuals also have their own burdens and unique situations. I will speak with him to make him see reason.”
This story highlights the importance of understanding and respecting the limitations and burdens others carry. It is essential for individuals to appreciate and accept the explanations of those they seek assistance from, without turning their “no” into a personal rejection that could damage long-standing relationships. We must imbibe the spirit of understanding and realize that everyone has their challenges and responsibilities. True friendship is built on mutual respect and support, not on imposing one’s burdens on others.
NB: Johnson Babalola, a Canada based lawyer, leadership consultant and corporate emcee, is a public affairs analyst.
